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The Top Ten Things (almost) All Americans Agree On

I don't know if you've noticed, but lately it seems that people in the US are at odds with one another...on nearly everything. In all reality, our differences aren't nearly as vast as the vitriol that propels them, but either way, here are ten things we DO agree on:

  1. Ice is our God-given right, and don't you dare try to serve us a warm Coke. It's true, though. No one loves an iced-cold beverage like an American - and what's not to love? Our frosty cold beverages quench our thirst like no other, even if our bodies technically may absorb liquid more efficiently when it's closer to the temperature of our own systems. Please don't bother us with those details or anything that may take us away from the romanticism of our crisp, cool drinks.

  2. You can keep that metric system to yourselves, thank you very much. Even though the US was one of the first countries to sign The Treaty of the Metre and it's been almost 50 years since President Ford enacted the (voluntary) Metric Conversion Act, Americans are digging our 12-inch feet in on the matter. Sure, a system based on 10s sounds good in theory, but who wants to be smart when it's so much more indulgent to be interesting?! Truth be told, when this whole thing came about, we were on a break from our frenemy France...and as they had been the initial developers of the original metric system, we were all non merci. I think at the end of the day, we were just mad we hadn't thought of it ourselves.

  3. And don't get us started on Celcius!

  4. We entrust our spring weather forecast to a groundhog. Punxsutawney Phil has about a 50% accuracy rate, which is just narrowly higher than our weather forecasts, so it's #GroundhogOrBust for us!

  5. We do not want to see you in that speedo. While body comfort is more prevalent in Europe, the United States still clings to our Puritanical roots in many ways. Kindly keep your banana and your hammock hidden. Nobody wants to see your lumpy bits.

  6. We do want to see those yoga pants though. While yoga pants were once designed for...well, yoga!, athleisure wear has become a wardrobe staple for many women on the go especially. Puritanical roots be damned, as it turns out. Well played, Lululemon.

  7. We are special. Every single one of us. So special that we may even need to customize the municipal tag on our car, a la vanity plate, to make sure we aren't missing an opportunity to stand out. We also believe in raising our kids to feel unique and special...and it works! We're not sure if it's helpful, but it's definitely a much more pleasant default.

  8. Much like our drinks, we also really love our air conditioners to keep us cool. In many areas of the world with a climate similar to the northern parts of the US, it would be unusual to have air conditioning when it's only warm a handful of months in the year and only a few days or weeks get truly hot. We are not interested in optional discomfort. That's not what we're about. We want to sleep in an ice box, and we don't mind cranking our AC all night long to cover ourselves in blankets. What else are we working so hard for?

  9. Ah yes, work. We looooooove to work. Whoever works the most and the longest wins. Theoretically, it makes sense that the person with balance and time to enjoy life is the one that's really winning...but that's just crazy talk. Go back to Europe with those ideas, sheesh. We'll be over here, banking all of our vacation time, working up until the second we deliver our babies, and making sure we run ourselves fully in the ground. God bless our sweet American hearts.

  10. Peanut Butter or BUST! Okay, sure, the peanut allergy explosion has probably had a little impact on our gobbling of peanut goo, but you wouldn't know it. Americans eat over a billion pounds of peanut butter ever year. We like it on fruit, crackers, sandwiches...heck, we even make peanut butter flavored whiskey! Meanwhile, much of the world finds the stuff absolute vile. The average European eats less than one tablespoon of peanut butter in a year. But it's probably because they can't find an ice-cold beverage to wash it down with, the poor dears.

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